The Last Thing on Spike's Mind
by Spike's Marster
Summary: Hi everyone, this is my first story so please read & let me know what you think. Spike thinks about his relationship with Buffy as he sacrifices his life for the world.


**The Last Thing on Spike's Mind**

**The writing in Bold Italic is a song called Make this go on Forever by Snow Patrol.**

"Now go, you fought them back; it's for me to do the clean-up."

That was the last thing Spike said to Buffy as she gave him one last lingering look before turning & running out of the school. He didn't want to let her go, but he knew he had to; she didn't deserve to stay here with him while the building was collapsing around them.

The necklace was starting to work, Spike could feel it. It didn't hurt like he expected it to; he just felt warmth radiating from inside him where his newly-returned soul was, although he suspected that he was being lulled into a false sense of security & that it would probably start to burn any second now.

Spike suspected that he didn't have much time left & his thoughts turned back to Buffy; he'd decided that if he was going down, if he had anything to do with it, the last thing on his mind would be her.

They'd had a tumultuous relationship & every second had been memorable, whether for good reasons or bad. Spike closed his eyes & started having flashbacks to some of the good & bad times with Buffy, but mainly the bad & the first thing that came to mind was that unbearable moment when she had ended things between them.

_**Please don't let this turn into something it's not,**_

_**I can only give you everything I've got**_

Buffy had found out that Spike was known as The Doctor & that he was hiding some Demon Eggs in his crypt that would be dangerous if they hatched. She was shouting at him for lying to her & for keeping secrets from her.

_**I can't be as sorry as you think I should,**_

_**But I still love you more than anyone else could**_

Spike thought Buffy was making a bigger deal out of it than she needed to & couldn't see what he'd done that was so wrong.

_**All that I keep thinking throughout this whole fight,**_

_**Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right**_

He would never forget the way she'd looked at him; all there was in her eyes was disgust. But as she told him that she was using him & that she couldn't do it to him anymore, Spike began to wonder if that disgust was aimed at herself for sleeping with him as well as for Spike's misdemeanour, but he'd rather it all be aimed at him for what he'd done than to think it was for them being together as well.

_**The splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long,**_

_**Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong**_

Spike's thoughts then turned to when he'd just got his soul back & he was out of his mind with guilt for trying to rape Buffy. He thought he could try to make things right with her, prove how sorry he was by going to the church & throwing himself at the mercy of God, but all he did was give himself some nasty burns across his arms & chest when he draped himself across the crucifix. It had also been a blessing in disguise because although he didn't want Buffy to know he'd gotten his soul back for her, because she'd take pity on him & he knew he didn't deserve her pity for what he'd done to her, she'd inadvertently worked it out from his insane rambling; that had been the turning point in their relationship. From then on, it had been all good, well mostly.

_**The last girl & the last reason to make this last for as long as I could,**_

_**The first kiss & the first time that I felt connected to anything,**_

_**The weight of water, the way you taught me to look past everything I have ever learned,**_

_**The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love**_

Spike didn't want to just think about the bad times so he got to thinking about what Buffy truly meant to him, how she'd made him feel & all the good things she'd ever done for him & said to him.

She was his one true love, always had been & always will be & although he always thought that Drusilla would lay claim to that title, he'd quickly realised that he'd confused that with first love.

He remembered his first kiss with Buffy & although it had been a lie, under bad circumstances because Red the witch had cast a spell that had made every single thought she said out loud come true, it had felt real & it had been the first time he had actually felt a connection with a girl & not just passion & lust like it had been with Dru.

Spike suddenly came back to the present moment & the last thing Buffy had said to him before she'd left him like he'd told her to, she'd clasped her hand & fingers through his & said through her tears the 3 words he'd been waiting to hear from her since he'd declared his feelings for her; "I love you."

He so desperately wanted to believe it & deep down, he did but he couldn't let her know that because she'd want to stay with him if he'd acknowledged it, so instead he had to reply; "No you don't, but thanks for saying it."

Any doubts he'd had about the validity of the expression of her feelings faded when he saw her face fall at his reply & he realised that she was actually telling the truth, so he waited until she'd turned her back on him & smiled a happy but sorry smile, sorry for them not being able to explore their feelings for each other, sorry that they wouldn't get to have a future together.

He told himself he wasn't going to cry so he closed his eyes again to try to conjure up some more happy thoughts of his & Buffy's time together, although it didn't work & the next vision he had was of another low point in their relationship.

_**We have got through so much worse than this before,**_

_**What's so different this time that you can't ignore?**_

Spike had taken his break-up with Buffy hard & it had coincided with Xander & his ex-demon girlfriend going through a bad patch in their relationship which started when he had left her at the alter on their wedding day & ran off.

A little while later, Spike & Anya found themselves at the magic shop together, drowning their sorrows over their failed relationships & although Spike had only gone to pick up some stuff to do a spell to make him forget about his feelings for Buffy, before either Spike or Anya knew it, they were ripping each others clothes off & having sex on the table.

What neither of them knew though was that back at Buffy's house, Willow was trying to work out who had planted the camera in Buffy's garden & how many more had been planted & where. She'd gotten to the last one & it turned out that it was in The Magic Box & that through Willow's laptop, you could see the feed from the camera & what it was filming.

They had all seen everything that was happening between Spike & Anya & although she tried to hide it, Buffy felt a major pang of anger & jealousy but she didn't have time to think about what she was feeling because the next thing they heard was the front door slam & they all turned around to see that Xander was gone, along with one of Buffy's biggest weapons, an axe.

Buffy ran out the door after him, knowing what would happen if she didn't get there on time, but thanks to her slayer speed, she caught up with him just as he was about to raise the axe to decapitate a certain bleached-blonde vamp.

Anya & Spike had heard Xander & Buffy come in & luckily they had finished with each other & were fully clothed again.

After Buffy had managed to persuade Xander not to end Spike's un-life, Xander had turned his attentions to his ex so Spike thought he could slip out quietly but unfortunately, Anya had decided that she didn't want to hear what Xander had to say & she had followed Spike out the door, with Xander & Buffy on their heels so it looked like they were going to have to face up to their actions.

_**You say it is much more than just my last mistake, **_

_**And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes**_

After Anya & Xander had finished arguing it out, Xander had decided to turn his anger back to Spike & this time, Buffy had to take the axe away from Xander to prevent him from carrying out his threat. By now, Buffy had her own anger building up inside & Spike would've given anything to have her punch him in the nose, just to prove she cared, but instead, she just said to Xander; "He's not worth it."

That in turn, angered Spike & in revenge, he let it slip to Xander that he & Buffy had been having a physical relationship. Xander looked at Buffy as if to ask her if it was true & got his answer when he saw her head dipped in shame. All he could do was turn & walk away from his best friend in disgust. Buffy's response was to just glare at Spike with a look that would've been the death of him if he wasn't already dead & just walk away from him.

Spike snapped back to what was going on. He could feel his body burning & as he looked at his hand & saw it on fire; he knew this was the beginning of the end of his un-life. But he was determined to go out with a smile on his face so he thought back to his earlier good musings of Buffy & now he was no longer afraid to die because he was finally happy & he knew he was dying for a good cause, he was dying for the woman he loved & who loved him back.

_**The last girl & the last reason to make this last for as long as I could,**_

_**The first kiss & the first time that I felt connected to anything,**_

_**The weight of water, the way you taught me to look past everything I have ever learned,**_

_**The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love.**_

**The End**


End file.
